And so it ends...

Breastfeeding, that is.

After a much harder job maintaining breastfeeding with Kate than we had with Finn, we finally decided to end it. It was a mutual decision between Kate and myself, with my hubby's guidance, as well, on the final decision to end.

That makes the very last time I will breastfeed one of my children Saturday, Feb 28th, 2009--approx. 7:30am. It was a nice last time, at least.

I've talked with some of my playgroup Mom friends about the desire to know when the last time is going to be so that you can really enjoy it. Well, I have to say that I really haven't enjoyed breastfeeding Kate over these last few months. I'm happy I've done it, but it's alternated between being painful (and bloody--yuck!) for me, and being okay for me but upsetting for her, as if she didn't want it or wasn't get what she wanted out of it. I don't know why that would be--everytime she would start nursing and then break off wailing I would check to see if there was any flow and there certainly would be. I can't explain it. Lately we've wondered if she's had an ear infection and the pressure from the suction has been bothering her, but we can't find any other evidence of an ear infection (no fever, no prolonged crying). We were at a loss.

She's fine with taking a bottle, and since she's only about 11 months old, we will probably be doing some bottles of formula between now and when she turns 1 year. My preference would be to minimize that--I feel like these deadlines that the doctors make sound so hard-and-fast really don't need to be that black-and-white. She's almost a year; she eats plenty of pureed baby food, she loves yogurt, and pretty soon we'll go ahead and start her on whole milk. I really think that should be fine.

I'm not sad per se, but I do feel frustrated for not being able to finish out the year, which is what I wanted for her. I haven't actually brought up at playgroup that she was so close to being weaned, and it might be because I feel a little like this is a failure. Not necessarily one that rests squarely on my shoulders, but still... My hubby, my Mom, and a couple of other people who I've talked to about it have been very helpful in subtly reminding me (or not so subtly telling me right out) that this is not a failure, not a problem. This is a child who is very healthy and who benefited from breastfeeding for 11 months... quite a bit longer than the majority of moms nurse their children (if they do at all). I've always maintained that I don't have any concerns about mothers who choose not to nurse at all--so it might seem hypocritcal of me to be a bit sad now that we're starting up with formula. Really, though, my concern is not with Kate's health and the so-called "evils" of formula. I'm just a little frustrated that it didn't go as smoothly as with Finn. I'm still planning to get some nice bonding time with bottle-feeding for the next month, and by writing all of this out, I'm hoping to get the 1-month-short-of-a-year frustration out of my system.

And as I mentioned, the last time was nice. Kate took one side pleasantly (after wailing when I tried to give her the other side for no reason that I could figure out). We had a short but painless and fuss-free feeding and I watched her intently while she nursed and tried to make a mental moment out of it--having the feeling it might be the last time.